For some, that habit is instinctive so they can't help but find a way to count themselves on. Others follow an annual routine or eat certain foods during certain times of the day, or whenever they feel like doing so. But for most people, counting food is just another part of daily life.
I grew up without a lot of self-esteem, and that is hard on me when I am trying to be healthy and confident. So, even though my family knows how important it is to stay healthy, they don't think much about me eating in public, or not eating at all. The thing is, though — even if I have the perfect body, I still need maintenance. And there sure is no denying that sometimes I just want everything. Food is something I look forward to, and sometimes, that craving can seem unbearable.
It's been hard enough to maintain healthy eating habits because I don't always realize what I'm missing out on out there in the first place. If I had a healthier lifestyle in high school, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant this early in my twenties. But then again, I was never one to blame anyone except myself. It was my fault that the weight gain was unavoidable as I tried so hard to keep up with the trends — but, somehow I got pregnant right after graduation.
There have been times when I felt like I wanted to lose weight. A good portion of those times was fueled by guilt and not knowing what to do. Then, I used my depression as an excuse to try to get rid of things that made me uncomfortable. When that didn't work, I would get hungry again, and go back to food to fill the void. There are days when I wish I could eat anything. One day I asked myself: "Do I need the food?" That feeling lasted for nearly two weeks. By the time I came up for breath, my stomach was bloated from lack of food. I thought I was ready to give up, but the feeling kept returning and I was stuck. Luckily, one night my mother-in-law told me she loved a pizza and it was going to be easy to make it out of the fridge. Little did I know that I was about to embark on a mini binge.
My grandmother also taught me to watch food with her and be patient. After two weeks she gave me a slice of pie which I ate while watching television. A couple of hours later, my stomach was full, yet I woke up wanting more. My mother-in-law said if I continued to binge, I'd die. She knew it wasn't healthy or wise to starve myself and just stop eating altogether. Just like that, I stopped the binge and started eating again. This took a long time for that kind of addiction to become a habit, but, eventually, I did. Even though it meant giving up on my mental health issues, I still thought having food was worth it. I tried to start small, like letting myself cheat once, cutting down on meat once, and even making fruit smoothies.
Each mistake was learning what was possible to make eating less enjoyable, yet again. And each attempt failed miserably. Some days, I couldn't face it. Other days, I did. Not eating and then wondering why I couldn't get through the next meal was difficult for me to endure. Those nights where there were few or none were the worst; I would spend many hours alone trying to remember what happened. Eventually, I went to therapy and learned how to control my emotions, and to feel guilty and regret hurting myself. Now, I am finally able to control my mental state and eat a diet without getting fat or losing any muscle. While I hope this article inspires others to change their eating habits as well, I am determined to do whatever I can to be healthier.
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